I’ve started writing a fair bit about parenting on this here blog. What started out as initially, would you believe, a place for my food reviews (lol) and things that made me happy (hence the name), then morphed into a beauty blog, sprinkled with travel and random musings. It’s been a number of years, y’all! But in this burgeoning series (which will hopefully keep me on the straight and narrow, with some sort of routine — let us pray), I’ve decided to specifically address parenting-related places/topics/ideas from my now-five-year journey into motherhood.
Let’s be real: I started as a total newbie. I have a lot of feelings about this, would you believe! The fact that I had never really held a baby — and certainly not comfortably — is kind of bizarre to me now. Let alone that I had never considered changing a nappy, and of course never actually had. That’s a lot of ‘nevers’ for the most innately primal, instinctual, intrinsic thing to our species: procreation. How have we become so removed from the thing that literally ensures our survival?
I view it as a generational issue, and one that has been baked into our cultural consciousness. No generation is perfect, of course — ask a Millennial about a Boomer and they’ll let you know that, stat. Gen Z now seems to hold severe disdain for us Millennials, which is really a rude awakening when we seemed like the young’uns just a few years ago. Swings and roundabouts, I spose. But a pattern that I’ve noticed with many of my peers, is both the delay to have children (if ever), and also the TOTAL SHOCK that bearing and raising children creates in our psyches.
Instead, we were encouraged to study hard! Get a job! Be independent! (don’t think about ageing) Travel! You can do it all! (but maybe you don’t want to?) Climb that corporate ladder and don’t forget to BUY A HOUSE!!! Like, now.
I personally have nothing against any of these things; in fact, I thoroughly enjoyed my years travelling the world. What an exciting, beautiful privilege. But also, the realisation that those years are done (for now) has probably been harder than it should have been. Why have we normalised flying to random countries and collecting magnets/spoons/etc instead of creating our very own, adorably little progeny? What’s wrong with just… having a baby?
I have to give it to Gen Z: they seem to be swinging back hard from our Millennial ways, good and bad, and there seems to be a wider acceptance of young families, commitment and parenthood. It’s a nice thing to witness, honestly. Back in my mid-twenties, I often felt like older generations would love to enquire and pry and question our ways, but never actually support them. There was a lot of talk of avocado toast being the reason why we weren’t able to buy houses (iykyk), and I just never wanted to be like that with the younger generation. Young adulthood is a hard time in its own way. Yes, you have collagen to the gods, but you also have infinite, mind-numbing, intimidating possibilities and pressure placed on your delicate, youthful shoulders. It’s a lot, and it’s not always glam.
And so, with my journey into motherhood, I see no point in gatekeeping. That’s another lil’ online trend I like: breaking down informational barriers and sharing the truth with others; the good, the bad, the ugly and also the beautiful. Because it really is all of it! Sometimes, all of the time (enter: overstimulation). And after my initial trial by fire as a mum of one, I was both filled with trepidation and anticipation at adding another bub to my brood.
The feelings that come up during pregnancy set the scene for baby #2. Of course there is excitement, joy, anticipation. A lot of guilt or worry that you won’t be able to give your first born the same amount of attention (spoiler alert: you won’t… and it will be ok, even if it takes a while). But the glorious thing about a second born, is that you just don’t have that much time to worry a fret. Maybe a little, but nowhere near the panic-stricken levels of baby #1. No way, no how! And gee, is that a nice feeling.
The hardest part about going from 1 baby to 2 children, for me, was the logistics. Everything suddenly became a logistical challenge that. Icoul never quite work out. Baby would need to be napping (initially a lot)… but my preschooler still needed to get to preschool! A 3-minute drive suddenly turned dinto a gargantuan task, complete with hour-long feeds and poop breaks after drop off. Let alone the number of times I would need to wake baby to pick up my older daughter from daycare, let alone the fact that we had now started daycare and that was another transition to navigate. Everything (and everyone) just gets squeeeezed that little bit more. There is no buffer, and there may well be lots of car screaming.
I remember vividly trying to get my older daughter to occasional care, which we were trying out after having investigated it the months before baby #2 was due. My social little butterfly really needed more stimulation, and I knew that having a newborn was not the cool kind of fun she was looking for. Don’t get me wrong, she was an amazing helper and it was so sweet to see her zip up her sister’s sleeping bag and help me get wipes for changes. But newborns work on their own time, and theres a lot of sitting and feeding involved, and screaming… and if you get time for a nap, you want to be able to take it. In my situation, this wasn’t fair on the older child, who still rightfully needs social stimulation and to be included, and she was old enough to now confidently try out occasional care.
We were driving this morning, and the baby was screaming, and I just couldn’t make it..The daycare was a 10-minute drive, and it honestly felt like hours. Getting the baby into her much-hated car seat was one thing, and the poor thing woul have had painful gas, and it just made me so on edge. So I pulled over, on a busy school morning, right outside a school intersection with a traffic light. Oh yes, it was just before 9am (when the daycare opened)… which. is also exactly when school starts.
As it turned out, I didn’t quite pull into a proper parking spot, but was just outside it, in a No Standing Zone and thus blocking traffic trying to turn off onto the main road. Yes, I was that person! I got out, took out baby and was bopping her up and down to get those wretched burps out, with traffic gridlocked (in a single lane) next to me. Mercifully, no one beeped me, and honestly… that face made this otherwise stressful moment a quite amazing and touching memory for me.
Of course, we carried on, andd things would eventually sort themselves out. But there were, and still are, times like these; times when you just need a minute or two more, just need things to fit a bit differently… and they don’t. And that’s where you grow, my friends! You eventually figure out systems, hacks, plans, SNACKS, that make everything so much simpler, smoother, and even more fun. Because adding another child is a lot more fun. The mild concern I had over not seeing my first daughter as much is swept away when I hear the two of them giggling and pottering about together. It’s the most adorable thing, and I feel happy for both of them that they have each other.
By the way, you’re not the only one doing the growing — sometimes, time and development will ease these tough situations. Yes, having a gassy newborn come. with you to every kindy drop off and pick up is not ideal, and if you can rope in grandparents/favours, now is your time. The times my mum would come the 40 minutes to pick up my daughter from kindy ’round the corner from me really saved my bacon. These seemingly small things make a world of difference when it means either waking a sleeping baby (NEVER) or actually enjoying some temporary peace.
Understand that during this transition, you cannot do it all, as you are clearly just one under-resourced person. So, you’ll drop the ball sometimes… and maybe that’s for the best. Drop your standards, yo! Make it as easy on yourself as possible, whether that’s Amazon prime (which I smashed in the early days), preplanned meals, takeouts, and perhaps outfit-repeating more often than not… and get sleep whenever you can. Don’t do what I did the first time round, and try to clean up during naptime. Fool of a took! Yes, it would be nice to have some semblance of order, and a hot shower is great and all, but sleep comes first (this helps both you an your family, remember).
Most of all, try to keep your eyes focused on the prize (those sister giggles come to mind). Because life really does get sweeter right round the corner… even if a frazzled mum and her bouncing babe have blocked the lane. What you lose in loosey-goosey, airy-fairy parenting privilege from having just one baby (waking up at 9:30, anyone?), you gain in cuteness overload and a deep, primal satisfaction. Because one day, you’ll look around and see both of your children chasing each other in an endless circle, or sharing snacks, or one reading to the other… and your heart might just burst.