The old saying ‘fake it ’til you make it’ never quite rang true with me. Maybe it’s my standing as a bit of an ‘Honest Abe’ (too much for my own good sometimes!) but I could never quite get on board with faking who you’re meant to be. Hiding it was probably more my style, on reflection. Don’t get me wrong, I have been known to be a bit of a pro at the ol’ Mafia bluffing game (as well as poker, as a child… not sure why), but when it comes to real life, it’s real hard for me to keep a straight face and pretend to be something I’m not.
Which leads me to one of my hardest lessons in parenting (thus far): how to teach kids how to do things… when you don’t know how to do things. Eloquent? No, but truthful? Yessiree.
I find that it’s the little things that I often am less certain on. Maybe as well as the big things! There’s a lot going on, that’s for sure. But when I find myself in a freeze state, with the toddler down and an hour to myself, and I just don’t know what to do… that’s when I know I need a lil’ bit of the ol’ reparenting.
Really, parenting your own children is the most illuminating light to hold over your own life. And upbringing. And memories. Beware what awaits! As I wrote in my Substack post, your little mirrors really bring out the best and sometimes worst in you, but mostly they just bring out you. Maybe you didn’t really know what was there, or who that you actually was. So many triggers, so little time! And they really do manage to push these buttons at record speed sometimes.
My time as an English teacher in Korea prepared me for this somewhat; however, back then I had the luxury of (eventually) walking away at the end of the night. Plus, a good meal at the Kimbab Chongguk would await, which was always a good time! At the Guri location, there use to be a super friendly guy who would sit on an office chair at the entrance and practise English with us, usually wearing a Hawaiian shirt of some sort. I loved him.
Back then, it was all about rote learning and cramming in English words into little 4-year-olds’ brains. Obviously that didn’t sit well with me, and I wrote about the issues I took with hagwon life in general. But we weren’t responsible for the whole upbringing of each child, although to be honest, my friends & colleagues really did care about our “kids” (students) and would always try our best for them. These days, the daunting job of shaping entire human beings, their world views, habits, beliefs, esteem and more… lies solely on mine and my husband’s shoulders. Yes, it certainly takes a village to raise a child, and I know now with one of my daughters in school, that she is already exposed to outside influences that I can’t always control. But I still feel that the parents are the strongest, most enduring influence in a child’s life — for better or worse.
Given that there is no Perfect Parent, it is somewhat inevitable that our children won’t walk away from childhood completely unscathed. Weirdly reassuring, that ol’ anecdote! But I do like to give things a red-hot go when possible, and am really putting my all into this whole parenting shebang. So… how do you teach children things, important things, invaluable things… when you don’t know how to do them yourself?
For me, I’ve really experienced parenthood as a second coming of sorts; ‘when a baby is born, so is the mother’ (I’m paraphrasing here but you get the gist). I actually loved this saying, especially when I had my first baby, because it really underscored the COMPLETE LIFE SHIFT that no one really quite manages to explain to you in proper detail. I mean, you hear how you ‘won’t sleep’, and to ‘get ready’… but how? And for what, exactly??
When you lean into the acceptance that you are no longer the child/baby/star of your own life, it’s quite a freeing, beautiful shift. If you don’t look down too much, and get in your head about the EXTREMELY IMPORTANT INFLUENCE you have on these little potatoes’ lives… well, you can have a really swell time, enjoying all the first, savouring the adorable moments that no one will ever see but you and your baby, and your little family. It’s really everything, like the best high possible.
When the time comes that you inevitably scrutinise your role in your child’s behaviour/beliefs, it is both humbling and relieving. It’s nice to admit that you don’t know everything! Yes, there is a lot about being in charge, maintaining your autonomy and keeping a routine and structure in place. But when it comes to things that we do a certain way ‘just because that’s how it’s done’… well, I on’t mind reviewing those with my lil’ offspring. And you’d be surprised: sometimes kids really have the most ingenious (and cutest) ideas.
So when I don’t know how to do things? I just say it. When it’s affecting others in my family, as. our behaviours tend to do, at the best of times we try to come together and brainstorm a way out. Of course, this is not seamless or always pretty, but we are working on it together. For me, getting a hold of my clutter and clearing out my physical space really helps to regulate my nervous system and just calm things down. It ain’t easy, but it’s getting (slowly) better.
Books also are a guiding light for me right. now,both as parenting manuals and as regulation tools for my daughter. Literacy, yo! I really enjoyed Hunt, Gather, Parent (unfinished but still life-changing), particularly the part about involving children an the lack of need for toys. Music to my ears! I’ve currently got How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk on loan and am hoping it provides me with some gems for facing these tricky situations as a family. Because they apparently do not stop once you have teenagers!
Ah, parenthood… what a ride.
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