Ever since I became a bludger/unemployed drone/vacationer in Malaysia, I have had more time than before (ie. when I had basically zero time and actually zero energy) so do some thinking. So a-thinkin’, I have been! And a funny conundrum has occurred to me once more – no matter how much or how little I’m doing, when does it ever feel like it’s enough? I mean, out of all the amazing, wondrous things I have been fortunate enough to have and experience, when will I ever rid myself of this unexplained yearning feeling?
Being a 27-year-old woman, of course the first thing I think of is whether or not this is about chidren. I am in no way, I repeat, NO WAY ready to have kids of my own (hi mum and dad!), but sometimes… they are super cute and amazing and oh my gosh they are just funny. After teaching the most adorable little kids in Korea, I’m pretty sold on the fact that kids are awesome. Couple this with the fact that three of them have already emailed me this week, giving me updates about their elementary school and asking “why you go?”, and I’m pretty much powerless to their cute, chubby-cheeked angel faces. However, I myself don’t feel ready to hold the fort on that one just yet. My life is far too erratic (and selfish) at the moment, and I honestly couldn’t see myself doing it right now.
So, what’s next?
Well, of course, man’s search for meaning is not a new one. The whole point we strive for status, money, titles, things, is basically to reiterate to ourselves (but usually to others) that we are worth something, that we have done something and that we are someone. But how about if that was all taken away from you? I touched on this in this post, but it’s honestly how I’ve started living. I think detachment from physical things is a good thing, albeit difficult at times and perhaps socially isolating at others. But things aren’t really going to give us that meaning. It’s a cliche, but things aren’t going to keep you warm at night and make you happy… I mean, within reason. Sometimes I do just want something, and if I’ve worked hard for it, then I don’t see the problem – as long as I’m sure I’m actually doing it for myself.
And that is a difficult point to clarify sometimes.
So where am I getting with this? I’m not 100% sure, but I definitely want to reiterate that even if you have everything you think you want, you may not feel how you think you’re going to feel. Does that make sense? I know some people tend to think about these things more, and I am definitely one of those, and my life would be a whole lot easier if I perhaps wasn’t like this… but I’m not about making things easy.
Which leads me to my hair.
Sometimes it’s manageable, but most of the time it’s frizzy and especially in Malaysia, it is being an uncooperative mess. Try as I might (although I haven’t tried that hard), it just won’t obey. But maybe this is one of those things that I’m never going to be happy with? Shall I keep trying? Is there an answer and a destination or is it really all about the journey?
All I know is people need meaning, and sometimes it’s good for things to be a bit difficult or challenging. It really does help you grow. Recently I’ve had a lot of time to just do whatever… and I’m a bit over it. I’m pounding out posts like they’re going out of fashion, and I really want to dedicate myself to something. Because if you’re not working and living and trying, you’re dying. Right?
Deep thoughts, I know! Bet you never thought you’d hear someone questioning the universe and their hair in the same piece. It could almost affect the poignance of my universe wonderings… but then maybe it will just bring a lot more integrity to my hair. And the world definitely needs that.
Until next time,