I usually start these posts with a title, and then lead on from there. When I say “usually,” I use the term very loosely, as I have not posted here in over a year. And before that, it was choppy! Still, I always find myself coming back to this here blog, whilst also questioning why I take these indefinite hiatuses on the reg (if the kids still say that, pretty sure they don’t).
As I wrote on my inaugural, and thus far, only, Substack post, becoming a parent really is like holding little living, breathing, adorable mirrors up to your own BS. I didn’t say it in that many words, but that’s really the gist of it. Moreover, lots of things bubble up that you had no insight on, and the processing power required to work through that isn’t always available as you’re tending to baby and toddler needs which must be met RIGHT NOW. So, as it goes, I’ve found myself in a funny situation where the joys of my life also lead me to question everything and feel a mild horror (?) about the way I’ve lived before. Needless to say, it’s a lot.
Let’s start with a self-diagnosis, of ADHD (Attention Deficit-Hyperactive Disorder). Yeah, the mental condition du jour really does fit the bill here. As a lifelong psych student, it’s kind of funny that this never came up. Of course, back in the day ADHD was just ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), and brought to mind little boys running round on ritalin. Sad but true. These days, there’s a lot more awareness of the intricacies of the condition — particularly how it appears in girls.
What interested me the most was that the hyperactive part of ADHD can often present in the mind. For me, this rings true. So much energy gets caught up in my head, and it just loops around until I inevitably get overstimulated and/or retire for the night (which is on my toddler’s time). The swarm of posts detailing these differences has really helped me, god bless the internet! Also the ADHD Love Youtube Channel by Rich and Rox Pink is so, so relatable. It’s funny when things you thought were just a personality quirk are actually a symptom of a medical diagnosis!
Right now, as I write this, I have a rare hour to sit and think and focus on myself. This time is like gold to me, and this is where I choose to spend it (after enjoying a brekkie with my husband, of course!). I still don’t have a title for this post, but I guess what I’m trying to say, is that in parenthood we both lose and find ourselves in the little moments everyday. Things trigger you that don’t even raise a blip on your child’s radar… and it really gives one pause. If a five-year-old can move past it, why would I be stuck? Are there perhaps other things at play that I’ve just glossed over for 38 years? It’s a scary, and freeing, thought.
So it goes, this fleeting, beautiful, tiring, magical era of childhood and parenthood. What a gift! But also one that I would like to be able to enjoy without sneezing my brains out (as I am currently — school germs will do that). How lucky to be able to witness the adorableness of little humans growing and learning, in real time. And to at least try to address my demon/patterns/habits/traumas whilst enjoying each day.
As I’m coming out of the baby bubble with my second, who will be 2(!!!) in July, I feel like I have a few minutes to spend on myself and this here blog. To just remember that I’m a person too, and that I need to prioritise myself. For my girls, as well, because by gosh, do they watch me closely! I guess this is some sort of an explanation of my absence, and my unreliability on here over the years, as ADHD does make it very hard for me to stick to a routine. Dopamine something something.
But hopefully, I’ll be back soon! And with some whimsical writing. Maybe a video? Who knows what the future has in store! All I know is I’m happy to be here.
Steph x